A few hours prior to her party on Saturday night, I locked myself in the bathroom to write this, as a way to explain what I couldn't tell her face-to-face about how I've been feeling lately. The stress of sudden unemployment and hopes of taking care of the house have begun to break my spirts, and I've kept to myself more as a need of personal distance while sorting out all of these issues.
I've always been the type to keep emotions to myself when I don't feel comfortable expressing them; in result, has put a strain on the relationship between us at times. We still love each other through all of our episodes of bickering, arguing, and silent treatments. To be honest, she's all I got.
Posted below is the poem I gave to her. This is a rare moment, for me, and this journal since this is the first time that I've posted any of my poetry in such an open forum such as this (so be nice and don't steal it, okay).
I have nothing 2 give
It’s such a special birthday for you
And I’ve been feeling kinda down
Knowing I can’t give you much
Has left me feeling quite pitiful
My current situation
Is one that I hadn’t hoped of
Has made me feel so powerless,
so weak,
so vulnerable
Like I’m being watched under a microscope
I feel so ashamed Mama
Cuz I have nothing 2 give
I had such high hopes for the future
To the point I had it planned
Down to how I was gonna help you out
The same way that Daddy has
An interruption wasn’t in the plans…
I apologize for being distant lately
Hate 2 say it – the real world stress is new 2 me
I’m trying 2 find a way to deal
And in the process I pushed you away
I was being selfish to how you feel
And it makes me upset
That I have nothing 2 give to you
Except my current burdens
I’m so ashamed that I have nothing 2 give
But my love, concern & affection
When you feel vulnerable I can be your protection
You & Dad took the years 2 guide me in the right direction
Now I can show you both the worth of your selection…
SNE 1/29/05
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